It has been almost 6 months since I kissed my daughter for the last time. I miss her every day. I still cry sometimes at night and each morning I must comprehend, again, that she is really gone. The grief is becoming less intense, but not the shock. I still can’t believe my daughter is dead. All I can say is this... the only way we survived was through the comfort and love poured out to us by all of you. I first want to thank our family members who spent hundreds of dollars and traveled thousands of miles to stand beside us, mourn with us, and comfort us. We could not have made it without your support. We also want to thank friends and neighbors and the members of Faith Family, New Life, and Colonial Church who helped with financial donations and bringing meals over to our home. We sincerely appreciated the many hours Pastor Rick put in on helping us with funeral arrangements, his wonderful message at the funeral, and for all the work our church did in serving the dinner after the funeral. We are deeply grateful to Pastor Basil for his meaningful graveside meditation and to Charlie for the warm memories he shared about Bethany. We want to also express gratitude to the Deli Department of Clermont Target for providing food to feed over 300 people. The flowers and plants everyone sent were beautiful and the many cards touched us deeply. Clark and I especially want to thank our places of employment, Charles M. Clark and Sundance Manufacturing, for their tremendous emotional support, extended time off, and generous financial help. I want to particularly thank the owner of Sundance, Ray Toot, and the other employees of Sundance who were there for me like family. Many of them dropped by after work or called each day. The thing I was most dreading was being “alone” at the funeral. I am an only child and my father is deceased. My mother is in a nursing home 2000 miles away and even though many of Clark’s relatives were coming, I thought I was going to have to face burying my daughter without any of my family present. When I mentioned this to Ray and Paula they immediately said, “We are your family.” The entire Sundance office came to the funeral and sat on the front rows. I cannot possibly tell you how much this gave me emotional strength and support. Thank you for being there for us. We really did feel your prayers.
Many of you have since asked us how we are doing (or I’m sure are wondering but are afraid to bring up such a painful subject.) The work place does not lend itself to talking deeply about how we are really doing or what we went through... or how God is helping us to heal. I have put together this Memorial Booklet to honor Bethany’s memory on what would have been her 20th Birthday, as well as share the answers to some of those questions. In the following pages I have included thoughts from others and letters that tell you about Bethany’s life... and death... and the miracles involved in both. You will be amazed by some of the things you read. I cannot explain them, only relate them to you as fact. There is a Bible story where Job says about God, “I had heard about you with my ears, now I have seen you with my eyes.” I have been a Christian most of my life. I had heard about miracles and even experienced some while in the ministry, but nothing has compared to the volume that we experienced just before, during, and after Bethany’s death. In fact, I am unable to relate them all because of the shear volume. It would take a book to do so. They are so numerous and so astounding that I think most pople would have a hard time believing them. The truth is, during this time of suffering Clark and I have noticed that when pain came crashing in on us, suddenly a song on the radio, a sermon on TV, or someone calling out of the blue was exactly what we needed. Even in moments when we were fighting doubt or asking God questions, within minutes a preacher on the TV or radio would state the exact question we were thinking and then answer it. Sometimes God just answered us in our minds. Once I point blank said to Him, “God, I wish I had more faith about Bethany. Sometimes I wonder if she really made it through. If only you could tell me what exactly happened that night. I know you exist, but you’re a Spirit and I need concrete answers. If only you had hands and could write me a letter and answer my questions... then I would be at peace.” Instantly God replied, “I did. I told the lady minister that prayed with Bethany to write you a letter. Yes, Sharon, I am a Spirit... but I speak to people through thoughts and feelings... and I told her what to write. Didn’t you notice that she used the exact same words in her letter to tell you about praying with Bethany “till her last breath” as what you said to Me when you asked Me to send someone to pray with Bethany until her last breath? She said she felt her spirit leave and knew on a spiritual level that Bethany was with the Father. She said it was not by chance that she was sitting outside at 11:00pm that night or that she was the one who responded to Bethany’s needs. Those words she wrote are the ones I impressed upon her to say. I told her to tell you exactly what happened that night and answer every question I knew you would ask... and I told her it was imperative to get the letter to you immediately. She did. She drove one hour into Winter Garden and gave it to a florist so they could get the letter to your pastor and he could give it to you that same day. I DID write you a letter, Sharon... I just used her fingers to type it.”
I was shocked! I had never thought of it like that before. I’ve experienced miracles, but somehow the ones during my daughter’s death have been the most meaningful. I know He knew Bethany was going to die... not just because I heard Him emphatically tell me to stop doing the dishes and spend time with her that last night (as I talk about in my letter to Pastor Wright)... but because of many other circumstances. God basically told me at 10:00pm that night that Bethany was going to die, and I realize now (through all the other strange events) that He had been preparing me for weeks. I can never deny God’s existence. I don’t care what the atheists and scientists say, He has proven Himself real to me time after time. Even in losing my daughter, I have felt His love and care. And God was not only preparing me, He was preparing other family members as well. There are many examples, again I can not write about all them in here, but this is one. Clark’s brother and sister-in-law and 4 children had decided not to use their timeshare week in Orlando this spring so they posted their condo on the internet for rent. Since it is only minutes from Sea World it has always rented within hours. This time they did not have one bite! Weeks passed. They lowered their price but still had no takers. Not only were they shocked, they were actually upset with God for not helping them rent it. They couldn’t understand why He hadn’t helped them... until Clark called them about Bethany. Naturally they packed and left immediately to come to Orlando. I’m sure you know where they stayed during the funeral. It was their timeshare week and the condo was still empty. (They didn’t think they were going to use it this year... but God knew otherwise. In fact, He helped them keep it.)
Finally, as I have done much thinking over these past few months, I realize God was preparing Bethany, too. Every year since the children were born we have had a devotional on Christmas Eve, reading the story of Christ’s birth. This year Bethany had moved out and told us she wanted nothing more to do with God. To our surprise she called and said she and her boyfriend had decided to come to the Christmas Eve devotional after all. The next day I was reading a story in a devotional book. It was about Judas betraying Christ and how, instead of repenting when he felt remorse, he had gone out and hung himself. In contrast, Peter had denied Christ three times, but when he heard the rooster crow and felt remorse, he wept bitterly and repented. Both men betrayed Christ. Both felt guilt and shame... and both men went to a tree. Judas went to a tree in the woods, hung himself and was lost for eternity. Peter went to the old rugged cross, found forgiveness, and became one of the most powerful disciples in the Bible. The book said if only Judas had realized God would forgive him... he would have gone to the right tree.
As I closed the book God whispered clearly, “This is the devotional I want you to give on Christmas Eve.”
“What?!” I exclaimed, “We always read the Christmas story... about Your birth.”
“This one is for Bethany,” God said.
I obeyed. I told my family God had asked me to give a different devotional this year. I apologized for not reading the Christmas story. I apologized that my devotional had nothing to do with Christmas, except that the tree of Christmas eventually becomes the cross of Easter... for Christ was born in a manger solely to die later for our sins... so that we would not have to. I gave the devotional and I could see Bethany staring at me uncomfortably. I ended by telling them about a strange event that had just taken place a few days before. Months earlier I had received a letter from a girl who had been one of only two teenagers in the first little church Clark and I pastored in Lufkin, TX. Since there were only two, we took them under our wings and both of them had spent a lot of time in our home. It had been 15 years since I’d heard from her. She asked us to forgive her for some things she’d done and said to please write back and to pray for her. I immediately wrote but misplaced her letter with the address on it so I could never mail mine. I tore the house apart looking for her letter but never found it. It had now been six months and as Christmas drew near I felt an overwhelming burden to reach her. Since I could not remember where she’d moved to or her married name, the only thing I could think of was to find the other boy who’d been in the youth group and hope he knew. Occasionally he would write us... but he hadn’t done so in years. I began trying to find him but he’d gone into the military and no one seemed to know where he was. Heartbroken, I told my family how I had stood at the kitchen sink a few days earlier washing dishes and prayed, “God, please tell David to contact us. I know we’ve moved since the last time he wrote, but You can help him find us again. And please... help him to do it soon. It’s only a few days till Christmas and I need to find Elise.”
Exactly 15 minutes later the phone rang. I dried my hands and picked up the receiver. A man’s voice asked, “Is this the Clark Rivas residence?”
I said, “Yes... may I ask who’s calling? (I did not recognize the deep voice on the other end of the line.)
He said, “My name is David Powers. Do you remember me, Mrs. Rivas? I was the only teenage boy in the church you and Brother Rivas pastored in Lufkin, TX.”
I almost dropped the phone!!! I gasped... “David, it is so good to hear your voice!! Thank you for calling... but I just have to ask you... what made you call just now?”
He replied simply, “You tell me. I am a deputy sheriff in (some town in Texas) and I was driving down the highway when God said, “Call Pastor Clark.” I told him, “God, you know I lost track of them years ago. I don’t even know where they are living much less their phone number.” God said, “David, you’re in a patrol car with a computer. You have access to anyone’s files. Look it up.”
David said he told God he would do it as soon as he got back to the station. God said emphatically, “Do it now.” David continued, “Mrs. Rivas... God said it so forcefully that I pulled over and started looking up your number on my computer. Is anything wrong?? Why did God tell me to call you?”
I told him about Elise, her letter, and why I needed to find her. David said he had no idea where she lived or what her married name was but he could look up her father’s phone number on his computer. David gave it to me and then filled me in on his life, his walk with God, and how he was trying to be a good Christian husband and father from remembering Clark’s example in our home. I thanked him for calling then hung up and called Elise’s father to ask him for her address. He said he could give it to me but that Elise had just walked in the door and I could talk to her. (Now that’s precise timing!)
When she got on the phone we both broke down and cried. She said she had been feeling depressed that we didn’t write her and thought that if she didn’t hear from us by Christmas... either her letter hadn’t reached us or we hadn't forgiven her. We had a wonderful time talking and she specifically told me how she was now trying to be a good Christian wife and mother by following the examples she had learned form me years ago.
As I finished the story, and my devotional, I told our kids, “God gave me a wonderful Christmas gift this year. It’s more valuable than money, fame, or success. He had two people tell me that Dad and I made a difference in their life and that one day we would see them again in heaven. Then I closed by saying something very strange, I said, “If I am ever in a car accident and lying on the side of the road dying, the only thing that will matter to me is knowing that I will see all of my children in heaven some day. All dad and I want out of life is to see all of you saved and to know that we will be a family together in heaven forever. Then I finished by saying, “And if any of you are ever in a car accident and lying on the side of the road dying, remember you don’t need a preacher or an altar to get saved... God will forgive you right where you are. No matter what you’ve done... or how many times... you can always come Home. God will be waiting. And if you ever need to get a message to someone... tell God. He will do it.
Nine weeks later... as Bethany lay dying on the side of the road... I believe God may have brought back that Christmas devotional to her mind. And in those final moments she may ave asked Him to get a message to us.
He did. He wrote us a letter.
In closing, thank you again for your kindness to me and Clark during these past few months. We try to keep a “stiff upper lip” at work and around other people, but we want you to know that it means a lot to us when we can tell you really care. In this letter I’ve tried to let you know how we’re really doing. Nothing can soften the sting of death, but God’s grace is sufficient to get you through it. I hope the following pages of this booklet will show it.
Love,
Sharon
P.S. I cannot end this thank you note without also expressing our sincere appreciation to the Fisher family for comforting us during this tragedy. Our shared sorrow and loss has created a bond of friendship that will never be broken. We want to thank Candy and Denise, Virginia and Lora Ann, Phyllis and Ryan, and Kevin and Elsa for their constant love and support. Kevin, we want to especially thank you for your vigilance in keeping track of the legal proceedings and updating us. Our thanks to all of you for attending the memorial service at our church last month. It meant so much to have you sitting with us. I believe it would mean a lot to Bethany and Crystal to know we are comforting each other down here... until we can join them up there.
.
